Letters in the Ether

IF EVER there was a vent for me, this place is it. And it isn't total - i.e. it is only a partial release. I still remain with a lot of pent up anger and frustration. It boils over into my dialy life, personal relationships, and prevents me from being all that I can be. I know this, yet I do nothing. This is a letter from the ether - one I wrote and never sent, even though it was and still remains true. Every word of it. I think I need therapy...

I want you to know that I love you Mom.  I also want you to know how fucked up your decision to move to Vermont was.  I hold Sam primarily responsible for this disaster. I cant help thinking that BUT FOR HIS INFLUENCE, you would never have made that fucked up decision.  You had a life in LA.  You were successful in LA.  You actually were SOMEONE in LA. The decision to move...THAT decision set in motion a series of events that has left me and my life in ruins.  That decision displaced me from my life in Los Angeles, where all of my friends are, where any form of support system I had - was.  I was forced to move, with you and that fat fuck, to Vermont, where things worked ONLY because of the isolated nature of that fucked up state.  It is a place where YOU had nothing - no friends, no family...NOTHING.  It was a place where I was in the same situation. It was to a house you couldn't even navigate on your own, necessitating his presence.  Without him, you'd have been as fucked as I was.  Worse.  And that's EXACTLY the way he wanted it....he needed to solidify his presence.  He needed to make sure he was needed, not wanted. It was also the MOST RACIST STATE IN THE COUNTRY, where I was moving with a BLACK girlfriend.  A place that has a population LESS THAN THE ATTENDANCE OF MY COLLEGE, and a place where a college education is worthless - because no one there is educated, including your husband. In fact, I don't think there is a university in the entire state. It was SO fucked up that I decided to move to Miami, which is even more fucked up than Vermont.  Where I have even LESS support than I had anywhere else.  Since moving here, I have experienced disaster after disaster after disaster.  Your decision to move to Nowhere, USA set in motion a series of events that have dominioed to get me where I am now.  Granted, many of the decisions I have made resulted in my situation as it stands. That consideration has not fallen unheard.  Nevertheless, I can not help thinking I would never have made these decisions BUT FOR your decision to move out of Los Angeles, where I have dreamed of going back to ever since leaving. And a decision primarily influended by an uneducated, fucked up LOSER of a husband - Sam Laitinen.  Someone who had nothing when he met you and is now leeching off of my mother.  Worse still - I can do nothing about it. Now I cant afford to get out of this fucked up place and out of this fucked up situation, and I have nothing even to run to.  No place to go where I see a friendly face who DOESN'T want to get over on me.