My Monument To Her

My Monument To You

I. Intro

This is yours.  This is the piece of me that misses you, that loves you, that considers you, that thinks about you all the time.  This is for the part I can't let go.  It's for the last piece of whatever heart I had.  I gave it away.  To you.

I know things were not always great.  I know I can be an asshole.  It comes with the territory.  You knew this, from the day you met me.  I am not sure how it happened, but it did.  You betrayed me.  And you had been for some time.  Ever since Autumn came.  And, while I am certain you had no idea I knew what was going on, I did.  I caught you.  And her. Sleeping together - naked. It would not have bothered me, unless it became something else.  And, I
am convinced it did. I remember it as clearly as the day I met you.  It was more than betrayal.  It was a coup de grace for me. Perpetrated by the only person I trusted in this strange place, and another person I thought I could trust after 12 years of friendship and grace.  It was a stark moment for me. The heart I had given over to you was worthless, lifeless, and dead.  You didn't even realize, and still likely don't - you are the killer.

I was (I could even say I am) still deeply in love with that person. But, that is a lie.  I am in love with my own imagination.  I did as much as I possibly could have to make you happy, to

keep you happy.  I did my best - spent all the money I could, loved you as much as I could, gave you everything I could.  I gave you ME. That wasn't enough.  I tried bringing you up.  I tried convincing you to educate yourself.  I tried engaging you every way I could.  Even bad ways.  And I will own that.  You must also realize your part.

What did you do? Nothing. You barely spoke to me.  Even as I recognized the downward spiral we had entered.  I did my best to carry us BOTH back.  But, I am only so strong.  I am only so resourceful.  I am only so...not enough.  And now, I sit, thinking of you.  Thinking of us.  Thinking of all the ways I went wrong and all the ways I might have contributed to my misery.  And, looking back, they were many.  I can only account for myself.  I do not wish to blame any other, despite the deservedness of doing so.  I can't make you take responsibility for yourself.  I can't make you an adult.  I can't make you do anything, and that much was clear long ago.  You are your own person and I always treated you as such.  It's the way I would have wanted to be treated, and I would give you nothing less. Was it a mistake? Did I miss something?  I still can't see the totality of circumstances that led me, US, to this miserable place I exist in.  

Nevertheless, I trusted you.  I gave in.  I went where I should never go. I thought you'd be able to weather storms...WITH me.  I was wrong.  I thought you were strong.  I was wrong.  I thought you had the fortitude to go on my adventure.  I wanted you for my wife.  I wanted you forever.  I was happy with you.  Just you.  I looked at women, like any healthy man would.  But YOU were the one.  

Smart, beautiful, and even a bit wicked...everything about you turned me on from the day we met.  And despite the state of our dying love affair, I still loved you more than anything.  More than anyone.  I thought we'd grow old together.  I thought you loved me.

I was wrong.  You left me.  In a strange place, knowing you were the only thing I had to rely on.  You took that from me.  You took YOU from me.  For what?  What did I do?  How many times?  You never even had the decency to explain your departure.,  You just left.  And you knew what it would do to me.  I wonder, often, if that is why you did it.  Is it?  

And, now, here I sit.  On the dawn of another new day.  Only, now, I don't really look forward to the mornings the way I did when you were with me.  They just aren't as bright.  They no longer hold the wide world of opportunity they did when you were here.  Now, it's the same morning, every morning.  Like groundhog day.  In perpetuity. And, then, suddenly, I realize...it hurts.  Badly.  I am hurt. Deeply.  This betrayal has me colder than I have ever been before.  I don't cry.  I don't laugh. I don't have fun.  I don't even get mad anymore.  I don't feel anymore.  THAT is where I have been left to languish.  In a strange land, with adversaries on all sides, and only two eyes.  

While it is not entirely attributable to our demise, I have fallen back into old habits.  The slippery slope I fell onto in the last days of Us.  Despite appearances, I am worse off now, inside, than I have ever been.  I got a job.  I am in great shape.  I have 'friends'.  But, really?  I am dead inside. There is nothing there - no feeling, no caring, no joy, no pain.  Just nothing. And, that's precisely what I have said the opposite of love truly is - nothing at all.  

II.

I wonder if it occurs to you now...just how much I devoted to you.  Just how much I loved you, and did for you, and how far out of my own way I went...for YOU.  You were my world, and ultimately you never saw it.  You never believed it.  You never thought you were worth it.  You were. You were everything. And I miss you dearly.  I miss the times we spent watching TV, silently.  The time's we spent in the car.  Our travels, all over the country.  I miss YOU.😞

I curse the world for your loss.  I curse myself.  I don't smile.  I don't get drunk.  Even when I try.  It's kind of sad really - how much of a hermit I am.  Anyhow, I miss the fuck out of you, and the worst thing is all I do is sit around and think about how much, all the good times, the good things, and it makes me think about what I lost.

The Sunset Of Us

Then I think of how you never spoke to me.  How you never were truly honest with me.  How I felt like you were always hiding something, or doing something I didn't ever know the whole story about.  You lied.  A lot.  More than I did and to me more than anyone else, but everyone else, too.  You tried to take credit where it wasn't due, and you refused to take credit when it was.  You did hateful things.  Fore a long time.  So long that I got over it.  

Then your attitude was even worse.  Constantly negative about any and everything I had to say.  Any idea I had was shot down by you - to my face or behind my back.  You were deriding both of us, and you didn't even know it.  You know, had you listened to me, and communicated,  we would still be together.  We would have understood our needs and wants for each other and we'd have accommodated.  But that is beyond your capability.

Also, you were totally lazy.  You barely moved from the bed FOR TWO FUCKING YEARS!  Maybe longer.  And it showed.  You are flabby.  And the flabbier you got, the more you said it looked good!  Your pussy stank.  Badly.  Because you didn't take care of yourself the way you need to.  You still likely don't./  Whore's bath for you, still, no doubt.  Look who you bailed with.  But wait - there's more.  Whenever I tried to get you to do anything at all, the answer was flatly "NO."  Walk the dog?  No.  Head off to the park? No.  Go for a bike ride?  No.  I bought you skates.  You used them ONCE.  The only exercise I ever saw you do was ski, and that cost me $200 a day.  Thank god YOU didn't have to pay for that....or anything else for that matter.  You were provided for.  Healthily.  Generously.   Completely.  And the whole while - from SF to LA to EVERYWHERE - I provided.  You never once said thank you for any of it.  You are mannerless, low class, and petty.  You portrayed yourself as low maintenance and lied.  In doing so you made both yourself and me MISERABLE for YEARS.  WTF is wrong with you?

I also remember how cruel you are...you laugh when people get hurt.  You like inflicting pain.  These are things I hate about you.  And it seems as though I must remind myself that I do hate things about you.

Especially right now.  I just got through with a bunch of back and forth emails.  Because I am just as much afraid to talk to you as you are to me.  I don't want to make things worse.  But here I am, seemingly doing just that.  I am lost.  With or without you and that is somewhat telling.,

I don't know where to turn.  I have no one to turn to.  I came here to make US a life, and you left.  As much as I want to care about you, it's hard.  I am not done with you yet...and you are not done with me.