Longer Than Anticipated...

I have to admit.  Here I am - it's three something in the morning, and I've come back, yet again, in many more ways than one....Let me explain:

As suspected, Sarah ran me over.  For a minute I thought i had her, but she is as emotionally broken as any of the girls I have ever fallen in love with.  I suppose that is MY fault and not to be blamed on her (or any of the others).  Nevertheless, it's very difficult to take my mind off her.  I fell in love - that much is true.  And the aftermath of her rejection, as impure as it seems, is not comfortable for me.  I am still thinking about her day and night, and wondering why the fuck she did what she did. Let's back up for a second...

Things seemed to be going well.  Then, as she had done in the past, she turned 180 degrees on me without any notice, indication, inkling, or clue.  Suddenly, she decided, she would be moving in with Anthony, all over again, and she would have very little time for me.  While this notion was acceptable to me, it was so under very different conditions.  She was to split from him once ihei moved into her friend's place.  And, frankly, I was love-struck - I believed that bullshit.  I mean, REALLY?!  HE was moving into her friend's three-bedroom unit that was to be vacant because her frined was getting married?  And she would simply NOT move with him and come to me instead?  Sure, the notion would be attractive to any fun-loving, intelligent, beautiful 30-something girl.  But, not her.  It would be restrictive, now.  She couldn't do all the things she would allegedly be able to do despite Anthony's presence...and frankly, that would be 90% false.  I've been with women like her, before - eg sex workers, to be politically correct - hookers to be blunt.  And when I say that, let me be clear - I do not and never have paid (money) for sex.  I don't need to.  I am handsome, smart, well-off, and charmingly witty.  I am also dependent, cold, and wickedly dangerous when I choose.  So, in MY eye, it's a 76/24 proposition, and 76 is good stuff, 24 is frighteningly bad.  I digress...

I thought about it for a split second, which turned out to be a lifetime.  Would I want to sit here in the house while she got paid by men to come here and fuck her?  Again, do not misunderstand me:  I do not object to her profession, and frankly no one should.  It's the oldest one.  Moreover, I have been involved in relationships with her ilk in the past, several times.  I enjoyed them immensely.  And, in a rare exception to my general rule, I am friends with one or two of them, to this day.  Nevertheless, I thought about the times I spent with Esther, in San Francisco, when I rented my room to her by the hour.  Esther was a zany chick, but we connected on some level.  She had the biggest natural boobs I have ever seen on any woman.  She wasn't particularly pretty, and not particularly smart.  We never even fucked.  But she became a source of income for me back then (via the hourly rental), and grew to become a close friend of mine over time.  She was still that a couple years back when I went and visited the City.  And she, like a friend would, welcomed me into her hovel.  And I was grateful - I needed shelter on that visit and she came through for me.  Either way, I remember the whole scene(s) when we first met - of her leading some random dude into my bedroom at any and all hours of the day and night, while I sat at my computer and worked, or mined BTC, or fucked around.  

THAT would have been the same situation I offered Sarah...and upon further reflection, I think it would've infuriated me to an extent.  I am not a jealous dude.  I repeat - and not for MY benefit - I am NOT jealous.  Why should I be?  Just like with Katherine, and Ashley, and (fuck I forgot her name...) OH YEAH!  Laraine, just like with them - two of whom were actual real life prostitutes (ESCORTS, as their preferred reference), the third of whom was an actual PORNSTAR - Sarah would've been the same.  Or, would she?  The first set didn't bring it home, except Esther, who was a friend rather than a serious romantic interest.  Sarah, on the other hand, DOES.  She made it clear that she'd be bringing men to her house whenever she could.  And that Anthony would put up with that.  And he probably would - he's a broken as she likely is. Worse, in fact.  He's a fucking INTENTIONAL AND WILLING CUCKOLD.  That ain't me...by a long shot.  I may be tolerant, but self-sacrificing?  I am not.

So, with that in mind, I decided to finish the job.  Last week.  I allowed her to be the driver and I stood right in the middle of the road while she gunned it.  By any account, I stood by and let her run right over me...use me for anything and everything I offered (and a bunch of shit I didn't), and did not get upset when she left without ever having reciprocated a single iota of my love, goodwill, or even generosity.  Granted, it was given without expectation.  So, why would I be so pissed?  Simple:  she BUILT an expectation during that time.

She made gestures, said things, answered affirmatively to certain notions I put forward, that would make ANY man think what I thought - that I had her.  That she'd given herself to me.  Well, she didn't.  She promptly, not once, not twice, three times?  Nope - FOUR times kicked me to the curb for her loser boyfriend or her wealthier than me clients.  That put THIS monkey right in the middle - someplace I have spent little or NO time in.  I am mostly FIRST or, rarely, last.  Never in the pack.  And here I was - as indescript as any zebra would be in a herd of zebras.  And a very unfamiliar place for me to be.

Well, the last time I saw her (maybe a wekk or more ago), she kicked me to the curb for the last time.  She didn't make that decision...I DID.  And we went our separate ways, with her thinking she'd hear from me evr again.  And, had I been disciplined, that would have been true.  But, good ol' me...never the shining example of virtuous discipline, failed miserably.

I was already in love.  I had fallen for her by sight alone.  And while this IS a rare occurrence, happening only once before to me (and that joyous disaster resulted in a 10-year marriage to a woman I haven't seen or spoken to since we divorced.).  Also, the greatest love of my life...Katherine.  We married a year (almost to the day) after we met in Hollywood, CA.  And I loved her.  So much so, in fact, that I went and married her a SECOND TIME, several years after we divorced.  The only woman I have ever gone back with.  THAT is how much I loved her.  It's also how slowly I apparently learn about women.  

Nevertheless, I felt the isame exact feeling I had when I met Katie the day I met Sarah.  It was UNCANNY.  So much that it still bothers me RIGHT NOW.  It gives me that little feeling like I am a fool, stupid, spineless, cowardly, and chicken shit to chase my future.  Vigorously.  Don't let this slip through your fingers, Jerome.  You'll regret it later - says my heart.  You DUMB FUCKING IDIOT!  JEROME!  REMEMBER KATHERINE! Run!  RUN!  Let her go!  You gain in doing so! - says my mind.  Too bad I have such a strong heart, because it's beating the living shit out of reason and logic. ..I want to go to her.  I want her to want me.  I want SO BADLY to be able to convince her I am hers.  She simply won't have it.

How do I know?  She called.  Tonight.  Earlier.  I shoudl have insert a time/line break during the half hour or so I spent chatting with her, trying to convince her to come here.  Despite the fact I have an0ther girl here, already.  And, fuck me if her voice, mannerisms, lack of TRUE etiquette, class, and regality didn't make me fall in love ALL OVER AGAIN.  Fuck...what is it about me?  Or her?  Or US?  That makes me feel this way??