Hopeful Machine?

So this is to you Sarah - I never sent it but it's what came out. It's memorialized here for myself, I suppose - I have no other reason to save it. This place has brought nothing but some of the worst pain I can imagine suffering - pain of love. So, for me, for you, I had to let it out. You were never meant for this: Dear Sarah, I have so much I want to say, and no one to say it to. I have nothing left...If this seems disorganized, or rambling, or nonsensical, please understand it pours into my head 24/7 without discrimination, and comes out as fast as it goes in. I was banking on my ability to win you over. Despite your protests, and contrary to your own words, and more importantly YOUR ACTIONS, you are in a relationship....with a piece of disrespectful shit who crashed your car, freeloads off your work and money, and cant decide what he likes more - his bike, his paddleboard, or you. (you are a clear third, the way you've described your interaction with him). Do you really have THAT LITTLE RESPECT FOR YOURSELF to stay or even consider marrying a person who met you GANGBANGING YOU?! This is not what I want or wanted for you or for me. I wanted your happiness. I wanted to be happy with you. I wanted to make you happy. However I could - if that meant you continuing your work and pursuing your plan - as iterated by you - I was in. I would've helped. You invited me to! Then, something changed in you. Something turned. I don't know why, or how. Maybe it was never really there. Maybe you were lying the whole time. Was that the case? It might make this easier - for me. And, it makes perfect sense. It's all too easy for you. And, that's ok. I understand. I doubt you could ever know true love. Not the way I do, and not with me. That's the stake in my heart. The one you drove into it. Then again, you are the one who fostered it's growth from the get go - it makes perfect sense! THE HEART WAS YOURS THE MOMENT I SAW YOU - the moment my heart grew back. AND, I fell in love with a hooker. What should I have expected, right? I don't know what to say, and believe me, when a lawyer doesn't know what to say, you've bested them. You've bested me. You out-played, out-gamed, and out-smarted ME! I am beside myself, And I am looking at the heart you stomped on. It's right here. In my hands. In pieces. But, then, something occurs to me... IF I am what I do, IF I do what I say, I say I love you. If I love you I must do something to show my love for you. You are asking to be left alone. If THAT is how I must show you my love for you, then so be it. I can only hope you regret your decision and return to someone who adores you. That changes NOTHING.I no longer have my heart - I have reverted to my original state. I have no heart, and therefore am unable to love. You or anything else. I am comfortable here. I was cold before I met you, and I am stone cold once again. Thank you for freeing me from caring about you or anything else, for that matter. I DON'T CARE. That doesn't bode well - for you or anyone else. The opposite of love? YOU KNOW! HAHA! It isn't hate...rather indifference. And that is what I now hold. It doesn't discriminate. It has punked me, and my feelings for you. The dark heart dawns. Now, you get to see my other side - the side I would never have shown you. The side that made me a phenomenal attorney, a better banker, and now, just a nightmare for anyone who is stupid enough to fall for my bullshit. I don't care. THAT is the opposite of love. It is indifference. And that is where you are. You don't care either. So you probably won't notice. You haven't yet, and I don't expect you ever will. Until that moment when you need someone who cares - like I did. That fleeting moment in your memory when you look back and see that you had someone who would've DIED FOR YOU - I would have taken a bullet, drank a cup of poison, fallen on my own sword, committed

heinous acts, robbed a bank - ANYTHING for you. I would have GONE BACK TO PRISON FOR YOU! When you think of me in that random one-off moment, (and I will creep into your memory just like that) you are going to regret this moment. This is the moment you have forced upon me - not vice versa. This is the moment I surrender to my dark heart. This is the moment I stop giving a fuck about you. FUCKING SARAH! WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME DO THIS?! I tell myself - it is what it is. She is who she is. She wants what she wants and it doesn't include Jerome. Fine. If that's what baby wants, that's what baby gets - a complete absence of the man who would die for you.

The sad thing is that the opposite has come to pass - to me you are dead. I just lost ANOTHER PERSON I LOVED. Her name was Sarah Marie Gifts. I loved her dearly, and would have given everything I had, including my life, to and for her. She wouldn't let me. And she died trying to stop me. I don't know what else to say. I am sure this DIDN'T convince you to come my way, so....I guess this is it. Nice to have met you Sarah Marie Gifts. I wish you chose me. You didn't. And I will simply fade away. Regrettably. Sarah Marie Gifts - despite the acid and vitriol I just spat in this letter and our recent interactions - I LOVE YOU AND AM IN LOVE WITH YOU. THIS KIND OF LOVE NEVER DIES. IF YOU CALL I WILL COME. PLEASE LET ME. As much as I wish it was, this isn't over. I have a gut feeling. And, like I said, I am always right...